Are we in a gay sports bar?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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