Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
