i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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