Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
