At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This baby is an asshole
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Text me some of your sweat
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
