i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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