The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
