So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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