I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
