Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's rum buckets o'clock
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
