I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
