I wish I could teleport
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
