You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
