haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
