I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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