Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
