dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
