i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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