If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
