I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
