Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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