she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize