You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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