bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
