dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
