We're like a lot better than the average bears
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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