Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Randomize
