You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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