Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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