Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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