WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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