Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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