btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
