dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
