I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
