Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
