Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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