There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Your cock deserves a montage
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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