You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
50% drunk capacity currently
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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