my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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