he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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