smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
