sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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