I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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