so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
