you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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