I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
