Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
