I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
