I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
