I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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