Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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