When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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