I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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