Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just had sex on a roof
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
