I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
