Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
