I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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