hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
