I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
