just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You're earring is so big in my mouth
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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