I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
