I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
